The Losses

I have 2 videos and dozens of pictures from Eli's foster mother in Korea...However, I have yet to watch the videos and have a hard time looking through his pictures and the beautiful album she made for us. I am so blessed to have these beautiful items to give to my son, but selfishly (ugh) each picture of his beautiful smiling foster mom, the care it took to take videos of him, and the effort she put into the scrapbook remind me how much she loves him and I took him away.
Does this make any sense? It has bothered me for days...I cannot look at these items and the love she has for him or read his letters from her and not feel like I am the cause of a great loss in her life. He was her one and only foster child and now he is gone. She was with him when he had surgery and through so many hospital visits. She loves him. He was not her "job", she is his mother in Korea as she signed her last letter.
Finally, I looked through the pictures for a second time with my kids and picked out a sweet photo of Eli at 8 months old before coming home. It is framed next to a photo of Hannah at the same age. I also plan to frame a picture of Eli and his "Umma" and one of all of us together on his Gotcha Day. I guess my point is that I am trying to face this struggle head on for my son and I guess that is the best I can do for today.

One Year Ago Today...We Said Yes!

On this day last year, we committed to be Elijah's family. I think of the fear I felt looking at all of the concerns that were connected with a "27 weeker." The what if's and the peace that finally came when we followed God's will and said "yes". We committed our lives and love to him and I am so thankful for how healthy and strong he grows daily. He hits every milestone and amazes me with how much he wants to learn new things everyday.
Our celebration today consisted of mommy getting 3 hours of sleep, since Eli had a high fever through the night, a fussy little man, and finally cuddling at the doctor's office after they finished checking for strep, the flu, and a finger stick just to make sure not a virus. I could not help but smile as we cuddled awaiting the results, he was home. I get to be the one with him at the doctor, kissing his boo-boo's and holding him when he is sick. He wants his "ma ma" and knows he can trust me.
I thanked God for leading us to our son, as Eli and I shared some Wendy's fries in the car on our way home. I was so afraid to say "yes" a year ago, but God was so faithful. He knew we needed each other and He gave me the desire of my heart.

The Oxen

So I made a deal with myself and in honor of my God that I would curb my complaining about life in general. I felt convicted by the Israelites and wanted to bring life with my words and not destruction. Well today I was challenged! My sweet son still struggles with day and night, toss some teething in there and voila he woke up every hour on the hour and needed comforted to sleep. Hannah, my sweet early riser was up at 6:15 and I need sleep to be chipper (and lots of caffeine). So over and over today I continued to repeat the words from Psalm 40 "you put a new song in my mouth a song of praise to my God", over and over and over. And eventually took my over tired little guy and energetic girlie bean to the park. As we returned home we reached nap time. I made it with a half smile on my face! So I took a moment to read my Bible and God spoke some encouragement I wanted to pass along: "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, But much revenue comes by the strength of the ox." Proverbs 14:4...How does this fit? Well I immediately thought, with out children (oxen) my house would be clean, laundry done and folded (:, I would be well rested, taxes completed, and no spit up on my shirt. However, my kids bring me so much life and love. I love being a mom. I love the sweet cuddles, happy smiles, and have not even minded the diapers back in the mix of my life. It is amazing how God can work beyond our exhaustion, our frustration, and my selfish nature and allow me to be the mom He wants me to be! So bring on the oxen and the riches they come with, I will clean the manger with a smile!

Finding Normal

Well the jet lag is beginning to fade and Eli is feeling pretty good with mom, when he is not tired and knows dad is around some where. He smiles and we play but cuddles are most freely given to sister and dad. Yesterday he kissed Hannah on the cheek, he picks things up so fast. Our biggest challenge has been his attachment to dad, however we are making steps towards him accepting me as a permanent feature. I read about 1 parent attachment and found comfort in the fact that many children cope this way and 75% attach to dad, whew it's not me! SO I feed him his bottles and meals, give him his baths, and cuddle when we can. I was encouraged today how much he let me do even when dad was around. Progress not perfection. Tomorrow dad heads to work and we will pray for the best. I keep reminding myself it has been 1 week and its good for a boy to adore his dad.
As for fitting in the family, well he loves to dance to music and likes me to sing to him. Music is always on in our house! I managed to get him to sit in his high chair for 5 minutes and color a picture with Hannah. They they played Barbies with dad and I helping keep small pieces out of Eli's mouth. He likes to brush their hair. I found this out because earlier that day he wanted to brush my hair so I suggested he might like the Barbie brush. Dad was not pleased with this compromise, he preferred Eli biting them! Ha ha! I see so much of Hannah in Eli and cannot wait to see how that grows and changes.

What a Marathon

What a crazy last few days! Our internet was hit and miss at best so here I sit during my first few quiet moments and think, where do I even begin?
Tuesday- We met Eli and his foster mother at the agency. It was amazing to walk into the room and see his foster mother and him. There he was real and looking wonderful. I had my expectations in check and he did let me interact with him a bit and even hold him for a moment to show him a toy. He is very busy and into everything! I think what amazed me most was the kindness of his "umma" as she smiled and told us all about him. She wanted to know why Hannah was not there and longed to meet her. She also blessed us with so many beautiful gifts since he was her first and would be her last. I think the letting go was hard for all of her family! Not all families have this and we did not expect it, it was a blessing from a woman who loved him so much. We said good-bye and spent the afternoon processing at the Seoul North Tower.
Wednesday- "Gotcha Day" We were able to take Eli home to the hotel because the agency was to be closed the next 3 days for Lunar New Year (were not informed by our specialist oops!). This was hard to see as his "umma" processed her good-bye and shared her heart with us. As we walked to the car to leave, she bravely carried him, looked me in the eye and held my hand. We just looked at each other and I knew she was letting go and giving him over to my care. She told him to go to his "umma", kissed him and gave him to me. Eli did not express anything, he was really strong and confused. At the hotel he would cry for her every 45 minutes or so and I would hold him and share his sorrow. Here he was, in my arms forever. We just watched him and were comforted by the details his foster mother gave us of all his likes and dislikes. He is crazy for bath time and I had to keep him from diving into the bathtub every time we had the door open.
Thursday-Eli attached to daddy...so since that day on he is not sure about me and always asks for his "abba." He loved his foster dad so we think that is the connection. Poor John, he works so hard. He has had to change diapers and everything else! I am in the support position and not sure how I like this place. I am just working to be patient and take the smiles and the few cuddles I can get. He has the cutest smile and I just cannot help but kiss his head and hold him when he lets me (when he is eating)!
Friday- Heading home! Eli had hives the first day we picked him up and as of Friday we ran out of medicine. So we scrambled through the airport for medicine and waited patiently in the play area to head out! I will confess I was able to sleep a bit more than daddy since whenever Eli could not see John he cried. The Korea air flight attendants were amazing and lovely though I got a bit frustrated when they wanted to carry him. How do you say no? But yea for attachment to dad, Eli wanted to come back quickly to daddy and did not like being carried by others. I keep reminding myself attaching is safe for him and healthy! Friday afternoon he met sister, was a bit overwhelmed by everything and started wheezing. So off to the doctor! Not a fan of the car seat but survived. Welcome to the nebulizer! I am so glad we have been through it all with Hannah! This is why he came home, so we could direct his care and know he is getting all he needs.
Saturday- breathing sounds better and he has let me do a little for him. Dad left for a couple of errands to give us some time to trust. He cried, played, cried, and he fell asleep in my arms. So now he sleeps and I am thankful to have him. Love being his mom and we have a lifetime to fall in love. As John said, he will soon learn mom is the more reliable one ha ha!
Sorry for the long update, just needed to process and share life today. He is precious and such a gift.

The Crib

On Monday morning we received the call that our precious son is ready to come home! The travel call, the thing I have read about in all my books of preparation and never really believed we would receive. Our son is ready to come home and he is so darling. We received pictures of him in his dashing little helmet and I just cannot believe in a matter of a couple days I will be in the same room with my little boy. My heart overflows and I just cannot help saying to God "I have seen your goodness in the land of the living."
Though I have had a child before, my sweet girl, I have never been HERE before. Packing clothes in 3 different sizes just in case, trying to figure out the best diapers to bring and what snack he might like... Though this can feel a bit challenging, it doesn't feel scary. With my first I was full of fear, of doing it all wrong or of not being what she needs. However, with Eli I just feel thankful and excited. I don't feel like buying the wrong bottles is a massive failure and I do not feel afraid to just keep praying and trying new things until it works. I just want to be near him and know him. To soak in being his mommy and love him through his hurts and joys.
So where does the crib fit? Well I have not cried once since we found out he would be coming home early. I have been elated and joyful but no tears of joy until the other night when we were setting up his crib. I have waited for 3 years to see this crib up and going again. It was February of 2008 when we started trying for #2 and here we are in February again, God is good.
I look at the crib in our room with a Cubs blanket proudly displayed and a dolphin Pillow Pet his sister picked out for his Birthday and I am overwhelmed with emotion. The time is here. Tuesday I will meet my son and Wednesday we will start our lives together.

Do Not Forget

To put it mildly I am amazed and excited to see God's hand during this season of life! A mom who adopted 13 years ago from Korea helped us to get Eli's helmet (correct some of the flatness from being a preemie), He was moved up to the first group for visas, and now...are you ready?...He is already out of the Korean embassy after 1 week not 4-8! It appears the social worker was telling a woman at the embassy about Eli's little helmet and how neat he is about it and the agent processed him that day. We could get a travel call ANY DAY!
At this moment I am filled with amazement and gratitude to the Lord. But I also know that I too feel anxious about the unknown. I was laying in bed worrying about his transition. When should I take him to each specialist for his minor stuff? Where will he sleep first, our bed or his bed? Will his really loud yet loving sister keep him awake? And on and on and on I went down the rabbit hole of worry.
Then this morning during my quiet time the Lord brought a verse to me that I have been reading and thinking on lately. Dt. 8:2 says "You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these 40 years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commandments." Infertility and adoption have been my wilderness and yet he has provided in ways I could not have imagined. Yet the last few nights I have allowed worry over circumstances and the unknown to steal my joy and my sleep. I have been thankful but I have fallen into my usual pattern of self reliance instead of trust. Kinda like "ok God you took the big stuff now I shall worry and fret my way through the details." Israel grumbled that the army of Egypt would kill them and God parted the Sea. They grumbled that they had no refreshment and God brought it 2X and they grumbled they had no food and He gave manna and quails. Over and over God tested them and they failed. They would forget his last miracle and move on unchanged. So this morning my prayer is that I will allow this miracle in my life to really change my attitude and to seek to trust God in everything without complaining when I am challenged. Priscilla Shirer puts it this way "Don't let the hunger you feel today cause you to complain and forget His past goodness in your life."

My Little Girl

In the next few months my life is going to change dramatically. My little girl is heading to preschool and I am not sure I am ready for it! To say good-bye to the baby girl phase and watch her begin to have some independence is a challenge. Yes there are days when I would give anything for a break, but right now I just want to soak in time with her being just mine.
I love to watch her play Barbie, cuddle while we watch Veggie Tales, have tea parties with PBJs or to just listen to her talk about life. She asks the best questions and we can talk about anything and everything. Yesterday she told me she wishes I had a baby in my tummy. I told her that I was glad she grew in my tummy, but that I am so glad that God had a perfect plan to give us Eli. She hugged me a we prayed for God's best for our family, whatever that is. Those are moments I cannot get enough of as her mommy.
As I watch a baby doll go for a ride in a dump truck I just opened, I realize how blessed I am and how much I look forward to learning life with two kiddos! I also realize that it feels weird to be finding spots for trucks and airplane pj's.

Works All for Good

Wow! I have seen so much of God's hand over the last few weeks and barely know how to share. Today we received the call that our paperwork was submitted with the first group for the new visas. What does this mean? Well it means in 4-8 weeks we will receive a call that our paperwork is approved and now waiting for approval from the US embassy. This takes 3-15 days. So we could be bringing our son home end of February or March. It appears that all of Eli's minor hospital visits were motivation to get this little guy home to his family. I am in awe! I don't feel ready and I am not sure where to start...Actually, I will start with our Colorado laundry and getting my Christmas tree down. I will then start sorting through girl stuff to get Hannah's room ready for a baby brother to move in when he is ready. I feel so thankful and full of joy.
To be a mommy to two amazing kiddos and to see Eli here to celebrate his big sister's birthday. I could not have imagined it. God is so good, why cannot I not get this?