The Losses

I have 2 videos and dozens of pictures from Eli's foster mother in Korea...However, I have yet to watch the videos and have a hard time looking through his pictures and the beautiful album she made for us. I am so blessed to have these beautiful items to give to my son, but selfishly (ugh) each picture of his beautiful smiling foster mom, the care it took to take videos of him, and the effort she put into the scrapbook remind me how much she loves him and I took him away.
Does this make any sense? It has bothered me for days...I cannot look at these items and the love she has for him or read his letters from her and not feel like I am the cause of a great loss in her life. He was her one and only foster child and now he is gone. She was with him when he had surgery and through so many hospital visits. She loves him. He was not her "job", she is his mother in Korea as she signed her last letter.
Finally, I looked through the pictures for a second time with my kids and picked out a sweet photo of Eli at 8 months old before coming home. It is framed next to a photo of Hannah at the same age. I also plan to frame a picture of Eli and his "Umma" and one of all of us together on his Gotcha Day. I guess my point is that I am trying to face this struggle head on for my son and I guess that is the best I can do for today.