Glory?

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was." (John 11:5) As I continued reading this verse a few times, I wondered why I never caught this before. He loved them so he delayed. This just doesn't sit well, it doesn't feel right. When you love someone you help them, come to their aid, try to ease their pain right? Well he goes onto say to the disciples that He delayed so they could see God's glory.
I keep forgetting this point in my own life, it's not about me. I feel like it is and the world likes to tell me it is, but as a Christian it's simply not.
I was reading through Hebrews 11, Abraham was promised decedents enough to challenge the number of stars in the sky. However, he died with 1 legitimate heir. On the outside if we look at just Abraham and not God's bigger picture, it would appear that God did not keep His promise. However, I can easily see today how God remained faithful to His promise but it all came from God's design and for His glory and not Abraham's glory.
Honestly, I am struggling to keep this in mind as I watch the news and try to discern the North and South Korea situation. I feel afraid of losing my son in some way. The country closing, not being able to travel to bring him home or have him escorted, I have no idea, but I am discouraged and afraid that somehow my adoption is going to fall through. And the question that I keep asking myself is where is my faith? I think I have it in the wrong place, focused on the outcome of the process and not on God's glory! Getting to my second child...not on my Creator who gives and takes away. I love music and I have loved the song from Kutless, "I'm Yours". Basically it asks the question "if I lost it all would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away?" It goes on to say that "I'm still yours" that even if I cannot worship my soul will cry out to God. That is my prayer and praise that God NEVER let's me go, even when I question, doubt, and hurt, I am still His. So this morning, I am trying to remind myself that this life is not about me but about God's glory and to pray that no matter where this adoption journey takes me, in the end it's not about my glory, but His.

Lifting my Arms

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday night, I went to my Home Fellowship group, completely broken and really only there because I needed to bring a snack. When we got to prayer requests, I broke down. All I had done that day was lack faith, snap at my child, and wait for an update on our son that never came. I felt like a failure as a mom and friend for pouring out my "stuff" on all of them. But instead of frustration they prayed fervently in love for me. My friend Chris prayed that they would help hold up my arms in this wait for our son, because I am running out of strength. What a perfect description of what they have given to me. They have permitted me to be weak and have willingly picked up my arms to help me maintain this course. All of them have rallied around me lately to pour out the love of Christ in my life.
I have received so many offers of help and I have said "yes," I have finally admitted my hurts and they are there to love me through it! Last Sunday we celebrated my son's Birthday. I know, how do you celebrate when someone is not there? Well you celebrate their life, you have rice eating contests, eat cupcakes that look like the Korean flag, do Korean trivia, and pray for a little boy you ALL want to meet! They are on this journey with me and we will ALL rejoice when we see God's goodness.

Korean Food!

Friday night I made my first Korean dish, Bee-bim-bop. Yes, I got the recipe from a children's book but it was awesome! I even managed to make the egg pancakes without much trouble. Hannah loved it and I have never seen her so excited to get to "mix-mix" her dinner.
On Saturday my family was invited to join with others who are waiting for their boys to come home from Korea, as well as 2 families who already have their babies. It was so awesome to share in Korean food at the International Food Festival Open Door Presbyterian church held! Hannah could not get enough of the Korean pancakes or BBQ. Dad was more gutsy and went with the spicy tofu!
The best part for me was how encouraging it was to know I am not alone. So often I feel like no one can understand this wait, and yet that is not true. We all talked about our sons we have never met with details only a mommy would know. Their heights and weights and likes and dislikes. There was no need to preface anything with, "I have a little boy we are adopting from Korea...."!
We later went to the Korean grocery store, Hanaro, and picked up sweet pancake mix to have at home. What great advice, I am a fan of any food that has a box kit! Though walking around the store, I am not sure I am ready for the amount to seafood. I barely handle salmon on a regular basis!

MOPS Article about Eli!

Good Morning Moms!
I love fall! I love football, sweaters, jeans, leaves (I have no yard), and the cool morning air. Fall now holds something even more special for me, my son’s first birthday. I love my son and I am so proud of him. He is amazing and has done so many brave things in his young life. Eli was born at 27 weeks, and was in and out of the hospital for the first 7 months of his life. Yet he is thriving and doing so well! I remember the first smile I saw on his sweet face, it was precious. Do I sound like a proud momma yet?
Eli is a light in my day and yet I have never held him or spoke to him. I met my son when I received an email from my adoption agency and I get to watch him grow through pictures. Isn’t that amazing that I know someone so completely and yet he knows nothing about me. He has no idea he has a mom out there so completely in love with him and willing to do anything to bring him home, including piles of paperwork and background checks.
I have been thinking a lot about how much I long to feel loved like this, thoroughly known, anticipated, and celebrated. Most of the time I feel tired and under appreciated. Usually people only notice when something is not done such as we are out of socks or toilet paper. Our MOPS verse this year for Momology is “Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.” This comes from a Psalm about how thoroughly God knows and loves us. When I read this verse I feel, not alone. Even there in my struggles, my daily tasks, my mothering, my joy, and my waiting, He is there. It is just like I am there for my Eli, even though he doesn’t ever feel or seek my help and presence.
On November 3, my Eli is turning one and I will not be there, but I will not miss it. We will be celebrating his birth with our close friends and anticipating his arrival home. Is there something you are waiting for or struggling though? Even there.

Joy and Laughter

I have never been one to be consistently joyful. I tend to focus on my failues and not my blessings. If one thing in 100 is off, my whole person is focused on the failure and not the many successes. I say this because it is a part of myself that God has been challenging me on lately.
Life is never easy and it comes with set backs, however, I take set backs personally and usually try to find how I failed and brought problems into my life. Sometimes because we sin a struggle is my fault, but sometimes they just happen and it has nothing to do with me except that God will use it for my good.
I have been doing the study "The Search for Significance" and in it McGee states that perfectionists tend to not have joy. Ah ha. That's me. So now what? I am learning to change my thinking patterns. Not easy, but worth it. Daily I remind myself that I am fully pleasing to God no matter what. The amazing part is that I have been more joyful in my life and mothering. I have smiled more and stressed less. And I have started asking God for help with everything not just what I think I cannot handle.
I know it takes time to make habits but I pray for joy no matter what my circumstances or failures. For my eyes to focus on all the good God has done and not simply what doesn't measure up.
Job 8:21 "He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouting." What an encouragement and promise.

Walk

Over the last month, I have not really known what to say. I feel like my days tend to run together, I simply wait. I hope to hear good news, worry I might hear he was in the hospital again and yet I just wait. I go through the motions of my day, wondering how I am going to make it 10 months, and now 9 months.
I have struggled to really study my Bible, at times the word feels painful to hear and so I simply avoid reading. However, a few days ago, I felt challenged to read the book of John. It was the first book I read as a believer and so it felt like a good place to start. I cannot express enough how thankful I am to have God's word. As I have read through this book on the life of Christ, I have been challenged to look at my lack of faith. Over and over he simply loves people and over and over He shares that He seeks to bring God glory and never Himself. I on the other hand think of myself most. I want my three year old to behave so I have less work, I want a baby to cuddle and coo, I want the adoption plan I had it my head a year ago, I want Eli home, I want more free time, I want my husband to read my mind and on and on and on about me.
Thankfully, this was never Christ's plan or idea. He came for the Father who sent Him. He came to do God's will in the face of being an outcast, betrayed, hated, and murdered. He came for me, so that in the word I could be set free. Free...how I need to feel that! The story that has stuck with me the most concerns the man at the pool that Christ healed. He told the paralytic, "stand, pick up your mat, and walk," I feel like I have stood (understood I am forgiven), and picked up my mat (let go of my past), but now I need to walk. I need to keep moving forward, no matter what life offers. I get frozen and afraid to move. I do not have to be, I have been set free. Soooo, my prayer is to not to mindlessly survive my life for the next 9 months, but to walk and trust and stop looking at myself all the time and focus on the One who sent me.

Paperwork: Round 2

I cannot believe it has been a year since we turned in our last round of paperwork. Of course by "paperwork" I mean a seemingly endless pile of stuff. Though not much has changed in a year, everything must be updated. Another side effect of it taking longer than a year for placement. On a positive note, I have something to occupy my time while I am waiting!

One Month

Today we have been waiting 1 month out of our 11 month travel wait. We sit in a good place. Eli is doing well and we received photos and an update today, oh my he is cute! He is growing well and it appears his foster mother is sweet with him, I am so glad. My husband decided to give our daughter and myself a gift on the 12th of every month our acceptance anniversary. Today he gave me a locket, "Faith, Hope, and Love" and it has a cross on the front. Inside, he put tiny new pictures of Eli. I adore my husband, he knows me so well. I look forward to the 2 month mark, he is so creative.
As for the official side. Korea has given the approval and our I-600 (declare an orphan as a relative), has been sent in! We hope for the approval soon and just have to maintain our fingerprints at some point in the future. Overall I am feeling good today and praise God for that!

Hospital?

I have been adjusting to what it means to have a child who is mine, yet lives in another country...slightly odd. First the good news, Eli is ours. The paperwork was processed in Korea and all looks good. Yea! The bad news is that he spent 2 weeks in the hopital for his breathing issues and I was notified via email, after he was discharged. Wow! I find my son was in the hospital and there is nothing I can do. I am blessed to have a PICU nurse for a great friend, she reassures me that this is normal for a "27 week-er." SO I keep moving forward and trusting God. What else can I do? How bad I feel for those who must handle and carry everything on their own. So I pray for my kids and I give thanks for the fact that Hannah and Eli are on the same asthma medicine (I have some clue what is going on...), and I trust that God's arms are better than my own.
I love the song "Safe in His Arms", I just listen to it and find myself thanking God that Eli is safe in His arms. I am too! Well I better return to watching Curious George, what will my son think of his big sister? I think he will adore her as much as I do.

Loss is Gain

For days I have been filled with excitement and anticipation. I have shown Eli's picture to everyone and have felt such joy and trust. I have had a lot of time to adjust to the fact that Eli will not be home until next summer and felt like I had accepted all the "losses" as they say that come with adoption. However, last night I realized that "losses" might be felt over and over throughout. There are no photos of Elijah right after he was born in the hospital, I am not sure there are photos of him prior to his transfer to his foster home. I will miss 2 Christmas mornings with him and not see his first birthday. I cried last night because I did not carry my son and wish I could have, not sure if that makes any sense.
I spent some time reading and praying and I kept coming to verses from Philippians 3. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ," verse 7. Verses 13-14, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as laid hold of it yet, but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." I read these words and I cannot help but let go of my losses and trust God's call. If I hold on to all of these things that are "my right", I will never attain all that God has called me to. I must admit my hurt to God and then ask for His help to let go, heal, and move forward. Unfortunately, this is not a one time attitude fix. It is and will be a lifelong process but I am not alone in this process.

My Son

I cannot explain the excitement and anticipation I feel today! As many know, yesterday we accepted a referral for our son. We received "the call" a week ago. It was 4:45 and John was finishing up at work. Our son (love saying that)was born at 27 weeks, but was developing very well considering. I tried to hold my heart back because we needed to submit our paperwork to the specialists and make sure there were not further concerns. However, all I could think is "he's the one." The problem is that fear tends to set in whether we want it to or not. 27 weeks is SO early, he was 2.3lbs and it broke my heart and scared to me think of all he had been through without me there to help. But God is good, on Sunday afternoon, John told me he felt we needed to say "yes." Since then I have felt peace because no matter what I am his mom.
He is so beautiful and I cannot wait to meet him, to know him, and be able to love him for the rest of his life and mine. Today I have 2 kids. A three year old and a beautiful 8 month old. I have prayed for this day and cannot believe it is here. A friend of mine prayed over the phone for peace regarding our acceptance of the referral and for our son. She thanked God because our son was no longer an orphan. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life, to know that even from this distance I can love my son and Christ will pour that upon him and begin knitting our hearts together.
My quiet time yesterday was in the book of Ruth. I am going through the Ruth study by Kelly Minter with some awesome women. In yesterday's study, we focused on the passage that says "wherever you go I will go, your people will be my people and your God my God." How fitting for our first day as a family. My people (family, friends, church) will be his, his Korean heritage will become part of me, and my God will be his God.

The Reason for God

The Reason for God
Tim Keller

"Quoting C.S. Lewis's essay "Is Christianity Hard or Easy?" he depicts normal human striving:

The ordinary idea which we all have is that...we have a natural self with various desires and interests...and we know something called "morality" or "decent behavior" has a claim on the self...We are all hoping that when all the demands of morality and society have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes. In fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on.

The Christian way is different--both harder and easier. Christ says, "Give me ALL. I don't want just this much of your time and this much of your money and this much of your work--so that your natural self can have rest. I want you. Not your things. I have come not to torture your natural self...I will give you a new self instead. Hand over the whole natural self--ALL the desires, not just the ones you think wicked but the ones you think innocent--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead."

Here Lewis works from Kierkegaard's definition of sin. Sin is not simply doing bad things, it is putting good things in the place of God. So the only solution is not simply to change our behavior, but to reorient and center the entire heart and life on God.

The almost impossibly hard thing is to hand over your whole self to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is remain what we call "ourselves" --our personal happiness centered on money or pleasure or ambition--and hoping, despite this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you cannot do. If I am a grass field--all the cutting will keep the grass less but won't produce wheat. If I want wheat...I must be plowed up and re-sown."

Heading to 9 months

When we first began the wait for our referrel, I felt confident I could handle it! However, since reaching the 6 month marker of waiting I feel a weight each week day, wondering will today be the day? I long so much to see my baby boy's face and to know the baby that God has for our family. I guess I just want to know that we are heading toward something real and not just wishful thinking and praying.
All around me I see women who are expecting a baby the "normal" way and I feel envy. Not because they are pregnant but because daily they have reminders that a baby is in their future and they have a due date. Some might go a week or 2 over their due date, but never are they given an additional 6-9 months...! So since it is now 6pm on Friday, I once again accept that I will not see my child's face this week and I press on to next week with hope.
Maybe just maybe it will be the week we get "the call."

Mondays

Every Monday we call into our adpotion agency and we can listen to a recorded update. These updates include the number of referrels from the last week, any acceptances, and travel information. Usually I am on edge and a bit frustrated on Mondays...first off because I am not sure if there will be good news, bad news, or no news since some weeks it is not updated until Wednesdays...grrrr. Anyway today I am trying something new, I am trying to have faith. I know this seems like something obvious, however it has not been my normal route to take. Throughout this adoption process I have constantly thought "why me?" That "me" focus has taken much of my joy and has made me lose sight of the fact that God put us in this place and He is directing the course. I have NO control in this, but I know who has complete control over our journey. So today I am letting go of my selfish focus and trying to instead allow God to use this situation for His will and not mine.
Yesterday at church, our pastor had us come to the cross and put on it any sin or burden we have been carrying. I put my pride at the cross and accepted His will. I feel so free today and really hopeful! Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." I am working on doing that exact thing and trusting that God is fighting for me. How awesome!

Where to begin?

Our journey through adoption has taken a detour. When we went to the information meeting last August, we believed we would be bringing home a 10 month old baby by this fall. However, due to changes in the South Korea process, we hope to bring home a toddler by next summer. How my plans have changed. It was a bitter pill to swallow as they say, as I let go of my plans and accepted God's will. Though I accept His will, I hurt and long for a second child. Though 2 years to adopt doesn't sound so bad, it must be added to the 2 years of praying to get pregnant that came before. So here I am, looking for some encouragement and a forum to share my story and help me face a long wait ahead.
Today I read through Psalm 56 and all I can say is "wow." "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?...this I know, that God is for me...In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid."
Is that possible? How often God tells me to not fear and to trust Him. Yet, I am afraid...I am afraid we will never get our referrel (we are at 8 months waiting), I am afraid I cannot handle 11 months to bring our child home, and really I am afraid that when our baby comes home I will be in over my head. There are days I barely survive the one I have! However, those fears that feel so real are NOT truth. The truth is that God has been at my side through this journey, He holds my tears, and tells me to not fear. So I will press on and see where this goes. For today I will trust and be thankful for a God who cares so deeply.