For days I have been filled with excitement and anticipation. I have shown Eli's picture to everyone and have felt such joy and trust. I have had a lot of time to adjust to the fact that Eli will not be home until next summer and felt like I had accepted all the "losses" as they say that come with adoption. However, last night I realized that "losses" might be felt over and over throughout. There are no photos of Elijah right after he was born in the hospital, I am not sure there are photos of him prior to his transfer to his foster home. I will miss 2 Christmas mornings with him and not see his first birthday. I cried last night because I did not carry my son and wish I could have, not sure if that makes any sense.
I spent some time reading and praying and I kept coming to verses from Philippians 3. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ," verse 7. Verses 13-14, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as laid hold of it yet, but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." I read these words and I cannot help but let go of my losses and trust God's call. If I hold on to all of these things that are "my right", I will never attain all that God has called me to. I must admit my hurt to God and then ask for His help to let go, heal, and move forward. Unfortunately, this is not a one time attitude fix. It is and will be a lifelong process but I am not alone in this process.
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