For days I have been filled with excitement and anticipation. I have shown Eli's picture to everyone and have felt such joy and trust. I have had a lot of time to adjust to the fact that Eli will not be home until next summer and felt like I had accepted all the "losses" as they say that come with adoption. However, last night I realized that "losses" might be felt over and over throughout. There are no photos of Elijah right after he was born in the hospital, I am not sure there are photos of him prior to his transfer to his foster home. I will miss 2 Christmas mornings with him and not see his first birthday. I cried last night because I did not carry my son and wish I could have, not sure if that makes any sense.
I spent some time reading and praying and I kept coming to verses from Philippians 3. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ," verse 7. Verses 13-14, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as laid hold of it yet, but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." I read these words and I cannot help but let go of my losses and trust God's call. If I hold on to all of these things that are "my right", I will never attain all that God has called me to. I must admit my hurt to God and then ask for His help to let go, heal, and move forward. Unfortunately, this is not a one time attitude fix. It is and will be a lifelong process but I am not alone in this process.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My Son
I cannot explain the excitement and anticipation I feel today! As many know, yesterday we accepted a referral for our son. We received "the call" a week ago. It was 4:45 and John was finishing up at work. Our son (love saying that)was born at 27 weeks, but was developing very well considering. I tried to hold my heart back because we needed to submit our paperwork to the specialists and make sure there were not further concerns. However, all I could think is "he's the one." The problem is that fear tends to set in whether we want it to or not. 27 weeks is SO early, he was 2.3lbs and it broke my heart and scared to me think of all he had been through without me there to help. But God is good, on Sunday afternoon, John told me he felt we needed to say "yes." Since then I have felt peace because no matter what I am his mom.
He is so beautiful and I cannot wait to meet him, to know him, and be able to love him for the rest of his life and mine. Today I have 2 kids. A three year old and a beautiful 8 month old. I have prayed for this day and cannot believe it is here. A friend of mine prayed over the phone for peace regarding our acceptance of the referral and for our son. She thanked God because our son was no longer an orphan. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life, to know that even from this distance I can love my son and Christ will pour that upon him and begin knitting our hearts together.
My quiet time yesterday was in the book of Ruth. I am going through the Ruth study by Kelly Minter with some awesome women. In yesterday's study, we focused on the passage that says "wherever you go I will go, your people will be my people and your God my God." How fitting for our first day as a family. My people (family, friends, church) will be his, his Korean heritage will become part of me, and my God will be his God.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Reason for God
The Reason for God
Tim Keller
"Quoting C.S. Lewis's essay "Is Christianity Hard or Easy?" he depicts normal human striving:
The ordinary idea which we all have is that...we have a natural self with various desires and interests...and we know something called "morality" or "decent behavior" has a claim on the self...We are all hoping that when all the demands of morality and society have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes. In fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on.
The Christian way is different--both harder and easier. Christ says, "Give me ALL. I don't want just this much of your time and this much of your money and this much of your work--so that your natural self can have rest. I want you. Not your things. I have come not to torture your natural self...I will give you a new self instead. Hand over the whole natural self--ALL the desires, not just the ones you think wicked but the ones you think innocent--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead."
Here Lewis works from Kierkegaard's definition of sin. Sin is not simply doing bad things, it is putting good things in the place of God. So the only solution is not simply to change our behavior, but to reorient and center the entire heart and life on God.
The almost impossibly hard thing is to hand over your whole self to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is remain what we call "ourselves" --our personal happiness centered on money or pleasure or ambition--and hoping, despite this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you cannot do. If I am a grass field--all the cutting will keep the grass less but won't produce wheat. If I want wheat...I must be plowed up and re-sown."
Tim Keller
"Quoting C.S. Lewis's essay "Is Christianity Hard or Easy?" he depicts normal human striving:
The ordinary idea which we all have is that...we have a natural self with various desires and interests...and we know something called "morality" or "decent behavior" has a claim on the self...We are all hoping that when all the demands of morality and society have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes. In fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on.
The Christian way is different--both harder and easier. Christ says, "Give me ALL. I don't want just this much of your time and this much of your money and this much of your work--so that your natural self can have rest. I want you. Not your things. I have come not to torture your natural self...I will give you a new self instead. Hand over the whole natural self--ALL the desires, not just the ones you think wicked but the ones you think innocent--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead."
Here Lewis works from Kierkegaard's definition of sin. Sin is not simply doing bad things, it is putting good things in the place of God. So the only solution is not simply to change our behavior, but to reorient and center the entire heart and life on God.
The almost impossibly hard thing is to hand over your whole self to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is remain what we call "ourselves" --our personal happiness centered on money or pleasure or ambition--and hoping, despite this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you cannot do. If I am a grass field--all the cutting will keep the grass less but won't produce wheat. If I want wheat...I must be plowed up and re-sown."
Friday, July 2, 2010
Heading to 9 months
When we first began the wait for our referrel, I felt confident I could handle it! However, since reaching the 6 month marker of waiting I feel a weight each week day, wondering will today be the day? I long so much to see my baby boy's face and to know the baby that God has for our family. I guess I just want to know that we are heading toward something real and not just wishful thinking and praying.
All around me I see women who are expecting a baby the "normal" way and I feel envy. Not because they are pregnant but because daily they have reminders that a baby is in their future and they have a due date. Some might go a week or 2 over their due date, but never are they given an additional 6-9 months...! So since it is now 6pm on Friday, I once again accept that I will not see my child's face this week and I press on to next week with hope.
Maybe just maybe it will be the week we get "the call."
All around me I see women who are expecting a baby the "normal" way and I feel envy. Not because they are pregnant but because daily they have reminders that a baby is in their future and they have a due date. Some might go a week or 2 over their due date, but never are they given an additional 6-9 months...! So since it is now 6pm on Friday, I once again accept that I will not see my child's face this week and I press on to next week with hope.
Maybe just maybe it will be the week we get "the call."
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