The Losses

I have 2 videos and dozens of pictures from Eli's foster mother in Korea...However, I have yet to watch the videos and have a hard time looking through his pictures and the beautiful album she made for us. I am so blessed to have these beautiful items to give to my son, but selfishly (ugh) each picture of his beautiful smiling foster mom, the care it took to take videos of him, and the effort she put into the scrapbook remind me how much she loves him and I took him away.
Does this make any sense? It has bothered me for days...I cannot look at these items and the love she has for him or read his letters from her and not feel like I am the cause of a great loss in her life. He was her one and only foster child and now he is gone. She was with him when he had surgery and through so many hospital visits. She loves him. He was not her "job", she is his mother in Korea as she signed her last letter.
Finally, I looked through the pictures for a second time with my kids and picked out a sweet photo of Eli at 8 months old before coming home. It is framed next to a photo of Hannah at the same age. I also plan to frame a picture of Eli and his "Umma" and one of all of us together on his Gotcha Day. I guess my point is that I am trying to face this struggle head on for my son and I guess that is the best I can do for today.

One Year Ago Today...We Said Yes!

On this day last year, we committed to be Elijah's family. I think of the fear I felt looking at all of the concerns that were connected with a "27 weeker." The what if's and the peace that finally came when we followed God's will and said "yes". We committed our lives and love to him and I am so thankful for how healthy and strong he grows daily. He hits every milestone and amazes me with how much he wants to learn new things everyday.
Our celebration today consisted of mommy getting 3 hours of sleep, since Eli had a high fever through the night, a fussy little man, and finally cuddling at the doctor's office after they finished checking for strep, the flu, and a finger stick just to make sure not a virus. I could not help but smile as we cuddled awaiting the results, he was home. I get to be the one with him at the doctor, kissing his boo-boo's and holding him when he is sick. He wants his "ma ma" and knows he can trust me.
I thanked God for leading us to our son, as Eli and I shared some Wendy's fries in the car on our way home. I was so afraid to say "yes" a year ago, but God was so faithful. He knew we needed each other and He gave me the desire of my heart.