Glory?

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was." (John 11:5) As I continued reading this verse a few times, I wondered why I never caught this before. He loved them so he delayed. This just doesn't sit well, it doesn't feel right. When you love someone you help them, come to their aid, try to ease their pain right? Well he goes onto say to the disciples that He delayed so they could see God's glory.
I keep forgetting this point in my own life, it's not about me. I feel like it is and the world likes to tell me it is, but as a Christian it's simply not.
I was reading through Hebrews 11, Abraham was promised decedents enough to challenge the number of stars in the sky. However, he died with 1 legitimate heir. On the outside if we look at just Abraham and not God's bigger picture, it would appear that God did not keep His promise. However, I can easily see today how God remained faithful to His promise but it all came from God's design and for His glory and not Abraham's glory.
Honestly, I am struggling to keep this in mind as I watch the news and try to discern the North and South Korea situation. I feel afraid of losing my son in some way. The country closing, not being able to travel to bring him home or have him escorted, I have no idea, but I am discouraged and afraid that somehow my adoption is going to fall through. And the question that I keep asking myself is where is my faith? I think I have it in the wrong place, focused on the outcome of the process and not on God's glory! Getting to my second child...not on my Creator who gives and takes away. I love music and I have loved the song from Kutless, "I'm Yours". Basically it asks the question "if I lost it all would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away?" It goes on to say that "I'm still yours" that even if I cannot worship my soul will cry out to God. That is my prayer and praise that God NEVER let's me go, even when I question, doubt, and hurt, I am still His. So this morning, I am trying to remind myself that this life is not about me but about God's glory and to pray that no matter where this adoption journey takes me, in the end it's not about my glory, but His.

Lifting my Arms

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday night, I went to my Home Fellowship group, completely broken and really only there because I needed to bring a snack. When we got to prayer requests, I broke down. All I had done that day was lack faith, snap at my child, and wait for an update on our son that never came. I felt like a failure as a mom and friend for pouring out my "stuff" on all of them. But instead of frustration they prayed fervently in love for me. My friend Chris prayed that they would help hold up my arms in this wait for our son, because I am running out of strength. What a perfect description of what they have given to me. They have permitted me to be weak and have willingly picked up my arms to help me maintain this course. All of them have rallied around me lately to pour out the love of Christ in my life.
I have received so many offers of help and I have said "yes," I have finally admitted my hurts and they are there to love me through it! Last Sunday we celebrated my son's Birthday. I know, how do you celebrate when someone is not there? Well you celebrate their life, you have rice eating contests, eat cupcakes that look like the Korean flag, do Korean trivia, and pray for a little boy you ALL want to meet! They are on this journey with me and we will ALL rejoice when we see God's goodness.

Korean Food!

Friday night I made my first Korean dish, Bee-bim-bop. Yes, I got the recipe from a children's book but it was awesome! I even managed to make the egg pancakes without much trouble. Hannah loved it and I have never seen her so excited to get to "mix-mix" her dinner.
On Saturday my family was invited to join with others who are waiting for their boys to come home from Korea, as well as 2 families who already have their babies. It was so awesome to share in Korean food at the International Food Festival Open Door Presbyterian church held! Hannah could not get enough of the Korean pancakes or BBQ. Dad was more gutsy and went with the spicy tofu!
The best part for me was how encouraging it was to know I am not alone. So often I feel like no one can understand this wait, and yet that is not true. We all talked about our sons we have never met with details only a mommy would know. Their heights and weights and likes and dislikes. There was no need to preface anything with, "I have a little boy we are adopting from Korea...."!
We later went to the Korean grocery store, Hanaro, and picked up sweet pancake mix to have at home. What great advice, I am a fan of any food that has a box kit! Though walking around the store, I am not sure I am ready for the amount to seafood. I barely handle salmon on a regular basis!

MOPS Article about Eli!

Good Morning Moms!
I love fall! I love football, sweaters, jeans, leaves (I have no yard), and the cool morning air. Fall now holds something even more special for me, my son’s first birthday. I love my son and I am so proud of him. He is amazing and has done so many brave things in his young life. Eli was born at 27 weeks, and was in and out of the hospital for the first 7 months of his life. Yet he is thriving and doing so well! I remember the first smile I saw on his sweet face, it was precious. Do I sound like a proud momma yet?
Eli is a light in my day and yet I have never held him or spoke to him. I met my son when I received an email from my adoption agency and I get to watch him grow through pictures. Isn’t that amazing that I know someone so completely and yet he knows nothing about me. He has no idea he has a mom out there so completely in love with him and willing to do anything to bring him home, including piles of paperwork and background checks.
I have been thinking a lot about how much I long to feel loved like this, thoroughly known, anticipated, and celebrated. Most of the time I feel tired and under appreciated. Usually people only notice when something is not done such as we are out of socks or toilet paper. Our MOPS verse this year for Momology is “Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.” This comes from a Psalm about how thoroughly God knows and loves us. When I read this verse I feel, not alone. Even there in my struggles, my daily tasks, my mothering, my joy, and my waiting, He is there. It is just like I am there for my Eli, even though he doesn’t ever feel or seek my help and presence.
On November 3, my Eli is turning one and I will not be there, but I will not miss it. We will be celebrating his birth with our close friends and anticipating his arrival home. Is there something you are waiting for or struggling though? Even there.