Walk

Over the last month, I have not really known what to say. I feel like my days tend to run together, I simply wait. I hope to hear good news, worry I might hear he was in the hospital again and yet I just wait. I go through the motions of my day, wondering how I am going to make it 10 months, and now 9 months.
I have struggled to really study my Bible, at times the word feels painful to hear and so I simply avoid reading. However, a few days ago, I felt challenged to read the book of John. It was the first book I read as a believer and so it felt like a good place to start. I cannot express enough how thankful I am to have God's word. As I have read through this book on the life of Christ, I have been challenged to look at my lack of faith. Over and over he simply loves people and over and over He shares that He seeks to bring God glory and never Himself. I on the other hand think of myself most. I want my three year old to behave so I have less work, I want a baby to cuddle and coo, I want the adoption plan I had it my head a year ago, I want Eli home, I want more free time, I want my husband to read my mind and on and on and on about me.
Thankfully, this was never Christ's plan or idea. He came for the Father who sent Him. He came to do God's will in the face of being an outcast, betrayed, hated, and murdered. He came for me, so that in the word I could be set free. Free...how I need to feel that! The story that has stuck with me the most concerns the man at the pool that Christ healed. He told the paralytic, "stand, pick up your mat, and walk," I feel like I have stood (understood I am forgiven), and picked up my mat (let go of my past), but now I need to walk. I need to keep moving forward, no matter what life offers. I get frozen and afraid to move. I do not have to be, I have been set free. Soooo, my prayer is to not to mindlessly survive my life for the next 9 months, but to walk and trust and stop looking at myself all the time and focus on the One who sent me.