The Crib

On Monday morning we received the call that our precious son is ready to come home! The travel call, the thing I have read about in all my books of preparation and never really believed we would receive. Our son is ready to come home and he is so darling. We received pictures of him in his dashing little helmet and I just cannot believe in a matter of a couple days I will be in the same room with my little boy. My heart overflows and I just cannot help saying to God "I have seen your goodness in the land of the living."
Though I have had a child before, my sweet girl, I have never been HERE before. Packing clothes in 3 different sizes just in case, trying to figure out the best diapers to bring and what snack he might like... Though this can feel a bit challenging, it doesn't feel scary. With my first I was full of fear, of doing it all wrong or of not being what she needs. However, with Eli I just feel thankful and excited. I don't feel like buying the wrong bottles is a massive failure and I do not feel afraid to just keep praying and trying new things until it works. I just want to be near him and know him. To soak in being his mommy and love him through his hurts and joys.
So where does the crib fit? Well I have not cried once since we found out he would be coming home early. I have been elated and joyful but no tears of joy until the other night when we were setting up his crib. I have waited for 3 years to see this crib up and going again. It was February of 2008 when we started trying for #2 and here we are in February again, God is good.
I look at the crib in our room with a Cubs blanket proudly displayed and a dolphin Pillow Pet his sister picked out for his Birthday and I am overwhelmed with emotion. The time is here. Tuesday I will meet my son and Wednesday we will start our lives together.

Do Not Forget

To put it mildly I am amazed and excited to see God's hand during this season of life! A mom who adopted 13 years ago from Korea helped us to get Eli's helmet (correct some of the flatness from being a preemie), He was moved up to the first group for visas, and now...are you ready?...He is already out of the Korean embassy after 1 week not 4-8! It appears the social worker was telling a woman at the embassy about Eli's little helmet and how neat he is about it and the agent processed him that day. We could get a travel call ANY DAY!
At this moment I am filled with amazement and gratitude to the Lord. But I also know that I too feel anxious about the unknown. I was laying in bed worrying about his transition. When should I take him to each specialist for his minor stuff? Where will he sleep first, our bed or his bed? Will his really loud yet loving sister keep him awake? And on and on and on I went down the rabbit hole of worry.
Then this morning during my quiet time the Lord brought a verse to me that I have been reading and thinking on lately. Dt. 8:2 says "You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these 40 years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commandments." Infertility and adoption have been my wilderness and yet he has provided in ways I could not have imagined. Yet the last few nights I have allowed worry over circumstances and the unknown to steal my joy and my sleep. I have been thankful but I have fallen into my usual pattern of self reliance instead of trust. Kinda like "ok God you took the big stuff now I shall worry and fret my way through the details." Israel grumbled that the army of Egypt would kill them and God parted the Sea. They grumbled that they had no refreshment and God brought it 2X and they grumbled they had no food and He gave manna and quails. Over and over God tested them and they failed. They would forget his last miracle and move on unchanged. So this morning my prayer is that I will allow this miracle in my life to really change my attitude and to seek to trust God in everything without complaining when I am challenged. Priscilla Shirer puts it this way "Don't let the hunger you feel today cause you to complain and forget His past goodness in your life."

My Little Girl

In the next few months my life is going to change dramatically. My little girl is heading to preschool and I am not sure I am ready for it! To say good-bye to the baby girl phase and watch her begin to have some independence is a challenge. Yes there are days when I would give anything for a break, but right now I just want to soak in time with her being just mine.
I love to watch her play Barbie, cuddle while we watch Veggie Tales, have tea parties with PBJs or to just listen to her talk about life. She asks the best questions and we can talk about anything and everything. Yesterday she told me she wishes I had a baby in my tummy. I told her that I was glad she grew in my tummy, but that I am so glad that God had a perfect plan to give us Eli. She hugged me a we prayed for God's best for our family, whatever that is. Those are moments I cannot get enough of as her mommy.
As I watch a baby doll go for a ride in a dump truck I just opened, I realize how blessed I am and how much I look forward to learning life with two kiddos! I also realize that it feels weird to be finding spots for trucks and airplane pj's.

Works All for Good

Wow! I have seen so much of God's hand over the last few weeks and barely know how to share. Today we received the call that our paperwork was submitted with the first group for the new visas. What does this mean? Well it means in 4-8 weeks we will receive a call that our paperwork is approved and now waiting for approval from the US embassy. This takes 3-15 days. So we could be bringing our son home end of February or March. It appears that all of Eli's minor hospital visits were motivation to get this little guy home to his family. I am in awe! I don't feel ready and I am not sure where to start...Actually, I will start with our Colorado laundry and getting my Christmas tree down. I will then start sorting through girl stuff to get Hannah's room ready for a baby brother to move in when he is ready. I feel so thankful and full of joy.
To be a mommy to two amazing kiddos and to see Eli here to celebrate his big sister's birthday. I could not have imagined it. God is so good, why cannot I not get this?

Glory?

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was." (John 11:5) As I continued reading this verse a few times, I wondered why I never caught this before. He loved them so he delayed. This just doesn't sit well, it doesn't feel right. When you love someone you help them, come to their aid, try to ease their pain right? Well he goes onto say to the disciples that He delayed so they could see God's glory.
I keep forgetting this point in my own life, it's not about me. I feel like it is and the world likes to tell me it is, but as a Christian it's simply not.
I was reading through Hebrews 11, Abraham was promised decedents enough to challenge the number of stars in the sky. However, he died with 1 legitimate heir. On the outside if we look at just Abraham and not God's bigger picture, it would appear that God did not keep His promise. However, I can easily see today how God remained faithful to His promise but it all came from God's design and for His glory and not Abraham's glory.
Honestly, I am struggling to keep this in mind as I watch the news and try to discern the North and South Korea situation. I feel afraid of losing my son in some way. The country closing, not being able to travel to bring him home or have him escorted, I have no idea, but I am discouraged and afraid that somehow my adoption is going to fall through. And the question that I keep asking myself is where is my faith? I think I have it in the wrong place, focused on the outcome of the process and not on God's glory! Getting to my second child...not on my Creator who gives and takes away. I love music and I have loved the song from Kutless, "I'm Yours". Basically it asks the question "if I lost it all would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away?" It goes on to say that "I'm still yours" that even if I cannot worship my soul will cry out to God. That is my prayer and praise that God NEVER let's me go, even when I question, doubt, and hurt, I am still His. So this morning, I am trying to remind myself that this life is not about me but about God's glory and to pray that no matter where this adoption journey takes me, in the end it's not about my glory, but His.

Lifting my Arms

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday night, I went to my Home Fellowship group, completely broken and really only there because I needed to bring a snack. When we got to prayer requests, I broke down. All I had done that day was lack faith, snap at my child, and wait for an update on our son that never came. I felt like a failure as a mom and friend for pouring out my "stuff" on all of them. But instead of frustration they prayed fervently in love for me. My friend Chris prayed that they would help hold up my arms in this wait for our son, because I am running out of strength. What a perfect description of what they have given to me. They have permitted me to be weak and have willingly picked up my arms to help me maintain this course. All of them have rallied around me lately to pour out the love of Christ in my life.
I have received so many offers of help and I have said "yes," I have finally admitted my hurts and they are there to love me through it! Last Sunday we celebrated my son's Birthday. I know, how do you celebrate when someone is not there? Well you celebrate their life, you have rice eating contests, eat cupcakes that look like the Korean flag, do Korean trivia, and pray for a little boy you ALL want to meet! They are on this journey with me and we will ALL rejoice when we see God's goodness.

Korean Food!

Friday night I made my first Korean dish, Bee-bim-bop. Yes, I got the recipe from a children's book but it was awesome! I even managed to make the egg pancakes without much trouble. Hannah loved it and I have never seen her so excited to get to "mix-mix" her dinner.
On Saturday my family was invited to join with others who are waiting for their boys to come home from Korea, as well as 2 families who already have their babies. It was so awesome to share in Korean food at the International Food Festival Open Door Presbyterian church held! Hannah could not get enough of the Korean pancakes or BBQ. Dad was more gutsy and went with the spicy tofu!
The best part for me was how encouraging it was to know I am not alone. So often I feel like no one can understand this wait, and yet that is not true. We all talked about our sons we have never met with details only a mommy would know. Their heights and weights and likes and dislikes. There was no need to preface anything with, "I have a little boy we are adopting from Korea...."!
We later went to the Korean grocery store, Hanaro, and picked up sweet pancake mix to have at home. What great advice, I am a fan of any food that has a box kit! Though walking around the store, I am not sure I am ready for the amount to seafood. I barely handle salmon on a regular basis!