Baby Steps

As it snows all over the place outside I have a quiet moment to process where we are in "the process" of our second adoption. Elijah's feels so long ago yet he will just have his third "Gotcha Day" this next February. Not much has moved. Our friend took 2 weeks to complete his reference (sigh) and so we have to wait to attend our orientation meeting this month instead of last month. Our Orientation meeting will go towards our 24 education hours required by China and Colorado. So next Friday, we will begin taking more active steps such as working on our dossier. For now our baby steps are background checks for 4 states (man we have moved a lot!!). As well as a stack of basic forms and such. This momma wants to go in "Mission Mode" as my friend always says, but I must instead be steadfast and wait for all the small pieces to come together into something wonderful, my daughter. While I am waiting, I have started to listen to old pod casts from Creating a Family. Wonderful reminders about adopting a toddler, and trans-racial adoption. Even though I have been there in a sense I know it will feel so new. Elijah with with a foster mother who loved him dearly, our new baby girl with have been in orphanage care. Very different experiences. I am also trying to prepare for our daughter's medical needs. We are doing a Waiting Child adoption and there are so many pieces to consider. What does having a child with a major heart issue look like, cleft lip and palate?, can I truly parent a deaf child or child missing a limb. The answers are of course "yes" but there are quiet moments when fear wants to get the better of me. I need to know my God is big and mighty and in charge. He has this! He knows me and He knows the little girl he has for me...I can trust Him. I say that more for myself than anyone. Had the blessing of meeting a few really awesome moms who have adopted from China. It was so special to hear them share their stories and it made me so excited for all that the future holds. Well my next post will be as I process the Orientation meeting and jump into the dossier...should be fun!

Who will she be?

As I write this I am sipping coffee and listening to the sweet voices of my daughter and niece playing Barbies in the basement. Though it has been almost 3 years since I have chosen to write, I had the urge this morning. Why? Well on Saturday, we turned in our initial application to adopt...for our second time. I feel such a mix of peace and fear, joy and apprehension. This mix feels confusing and yet right. For the last 2 years life has been full of a lot of "new". We moved back to CO, bought a house, and have been working to find normal. I feel like as I sit here, we are living a life that feels very comfortable and perhaps that is the issue. It is easy to sit in my warm home, enjoying the fact my kids bedtimes and wake times are perfectly predictable, and think this is what really matters, comfort. But when you follow Christ, comfortable is rarely good. So the hubs and I have been praying for what God has for us and we believe it is a little girl through the China Waiting Program. Here in CO we have found an amazing agency and we are so happy. But whew...filling out our medical checklist was (again) so hard! So we keep praying for the best God has for us and asking him to show us the way. So I guess what sits in my heart this morning is who will she be? What will she look like? Where is she now? Is she even born at this time? I feel like Mary trying the treasure this moment in my heart because I know it is the start of something wonderful.

The Losses

I have 2 videos and dozens of pictures from Eli's foster mother in Korea...However, I have yet to watch the videos and have a hard time looking through his pictures and the beautiful album she made for us. I am so blessed to have these beautiful items to give to my son, but selfishly (ugh) each picture of his beautiful smiling foster mom, the care it took to take videos of him, and the effort she put into the scrapbook remind me how much she loves him and I took him away.
Does this make any sense? It has bothered me for days...I cannot look at these items and the love she has for him or read his letters from her and not feel like I am the cause of a great loss in her life. He was her one and only foster child and now he is gone. She was with him when he had surgery and through so many hospital visits. She loves him. He was not her "job", she is his mother in Korea as she signed her last letter.
Finally, I looked through the pictures for a second time with my kids and picked out a sweet photo of Eli at 8 months old before coming home. It is framed next to a photo of Hannah at the same age. I also plan to frame a picture of Eli and his "Umma" and one of all of us together on his Gotcha Day. I guess my point is that I am trying to face this struggle head on for my son and I guess that is the best I can do for today.

One Year Ago Today...We Said Yes!

On this day last year, we committed to be Elijah's family. I think of the fear I felt looking at all of the concerns that were connected with a "27 weeker." The what if's and the peace that finally came when we followed God's will and said "yes". We committed our lives and love to him and I am so thankful for how healthy and strong he grows daily. He hits every milestone and amazes me with how much he wants to learn new things everyday.
Our celebration today consisted of mommy getting 3 hours of sleep, since Eli had a high fever through the night, a fussy little man, and finally cuddling at the doctor's office after they finished checking for strep, the flu, and a finger stick just to make sure not a virus. I could not help but smile as we cuddled awaiting the results, he was home. I get to be the one with him at the doctor, kissing his boo-boo's and holding him when he is sick. He wants his "ma ma" and knows he can trust me.
I thanked God for leading us to our son, as Eli and I shared some Wendy's fries in the car on our way home. I was so afraid to say "yes" a year ago, but God was so faithful. He knew we needed each other and He gave me the desire of my heart.

The Oxen

So I made a deal with myself and in honor of my God that I would curb my complaining about life in general. I felt convicted by the Israelites and wanted to bring life with my words and not destruction. Well today I was challenged! My sweet son still struggles with day and night, toss some teething in there and voila he woke up every hour on the hour and needed comforted to sleep. Hannah, my sweet early riser was up at 6:15 and I need sleep to be chipper (and lots of caffeine). So over and over today I continued to repeat the words from Psalm 40 "you put a new song in my mouth a song of praise to my God", over and over and over. And eventually took my over tired little guy and energetic girlie bean to the park. As we returned home we reached nap time. I made it with a half smile on my face! So I took a moment to read my Bible and God spoke some encouragement I wanted to pass along: "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, But much revenue comes by the strength of the ox." Proverbs 14:4...How does this fit? Well I immediately thought, with out children (oxen) my house would be clean, laundry done and folded (:, I would be well rested, taxes completed, and no spit up on my shirt. However, my kids bring me so much life and love. I love being a mom. I love the sweet cuddles, happy smiles, and have not even minded the diapers back in the mix of my life. It is amazing how God can work beyond our exhaustion, our frustration, and my selfish nature and allow me to be the mom He wants me to be! So bring on the oxen and the riches they come with, I will clean the manger with a smile!

Finding Normal

Well the jet lag is beginning to fade and Eli is feeling pretty good with mom, when he is not tired and knows dad is around some where. He smiles and we play but cuddles are most freely given to sister and dad. Yesterday he kissed Hannah on the cheek, he picks things up so fast. Our biggest challenge has been his attachment to dad, however we are making steps towards him accepting me as a permanent feature. I read about 1 parent attachment and found comfort in the fact that many children cope this way and 75% attach to dad, whew it's not me! SO I feed him his bottles and meals, give him his baths, and cuddle when we can. I was encouraged today how much he let me do even when dad was around. Progress not perfection. Tomorrow dad heads to work and we will pray for the best. I keep reminding myself it has been 1 week and its good for a boy to adore his dad.
As for fitting in the family, well he loves to dance to music and likes me to sing to him. Music is always on in our house! I managed to get him to sit in his high chair for 5 minutes and color a picture with Hannah. They they played Barbies with dad and I helping keep small pieces out of Eli's mouth. He likes to brush their hair. I found this out because earlier that day he wanted to brush my hair so I suggested he might like the Barbie brush. Dad was not pleased with this compromise, he preferred Eli biting them! Ha ha! I see so much of Hannah in Eli and cannot wait to see how that grows and changes.

What a Marathon

What a crazy last few days! Our internet was hit and miss at best so here I sit during my first few quiet moments and think, where do I even begin?
Tuesday- We met Eli and his foster mother at the agency. It was amazing to walk into the room and see his foster mother and him. There he was real and looking wonderful. I had my expectations in check and he did let me interact with him a bit and even hold him for a moment to show him a toy. He is very busy and into everything! I think what amazed me most was the kindness of his "umma" as she smiled and told us all about him. She wanted to know why Hannah was not there and longed to meet her. She also blessed us with so many beautiful gifts since he was her first and would be her last. I think the letting go was hard for all of her family! Not all families have this and we did not expect it, it was a blessing from a woman who loved him so much. We said good-bye and spent the afternoon processing at the Seoul North Tower.
Wednesday- "Gotcha Day" We were able to take Eli home to the hotel because the agency was to be closed the next 3 days for Lunar New Year (were not informed by our specialist oops!). This was hard to see as his "umma" processed her good-bye and shared her heart with us. As we walked to the car to leave, she bravely carried him, looked me in the eye and held my hand. We just looked at each other and I knew she was letting go and giving him over to my care. She told him to go to his "umma", kissed him and gave him to me. Eli did not express anything, he was really strong and confused. At the hotel he would cry for her every 45 minutes or so and I would hold him and share his sorrow. Here he was, in my arms forever. We just watched him and were comforted by the details his foster mother gave us of all his likes and dislikes. He is crazy for bath time and I had to keep him from diving into the bathtub every time we had the door open.
Thursday-Eli attached to daddy...so since that day on he is not sure about me and always asks for his "abba." He loved his foster dad so we think that is the connection. Poor John, he works so hard. He has had to change diapers and everything else! I am in the support position and not sure how I like this place. I am just working to be patient and take the smiles and the few cuddles I can get. He has the cutest smile and I just cannot help but kiss his head and hold him when he lets me (when he is eating)!
Friday- Heading home! Eli had hives the first day we picked him up and as of Friday we ran out of medicine. So we scrambled through the airport for medicine and waited patiently in the play area to head out! I will confess I was able to sleep a bit more than daddy since whenever Eli could not see John he cried. The Korea air flight attendants were amazing and lovely though I got a bit frustrated when they wanted to carry him. How do you say no? But yea for attachment to dad, Eli wanted to come back quickly to daddy and did not like being carried by others. I keep reminding myself attaching is safe for him and healthy! Friday afternoon he met sister, was a bit overwhelmed by everything and started wheezing. So off to the doctor! Not a fan of the car seat but survived. Welcome to the nebulizer! I am so glad we have been through it all with Hannah! This is why he came home, so we could direct his care and know he is getting all he needs.
Saturday- breathing sounds better and he has let me do a little for him. Dad left for a couple of errands to give us some time to trust. He cried, played, cried, and he fell asleep in my arms. So now he sleeps and I am thankful to have him. Love being his mom and we have a lifetime to fall in love. As John said, he will soon learn mom is the more reliable one ha ha!
Sorry for the long update, just needed to process and share life today. He is precious and such a gift.